The December holidays may be the most wonderful time of the year for some, but they can also be a very difficult period for many families. Some families have strained relationships, and others are trying to navigate their way through loss. Many families, though, have been fractured by the end of a relationship, and the holidays can still be joyous…just more complicated than before.
No matter what you celebrate, celebrating holidays after a separation or divorce adds a layer of complexity. Who will you be celebrating with, and where? Will you have your children this year, and if so for how long? Will you need to engage extensively with your former partner? Does your family know that you and your partner have split? Do you need to burst out your signed agreement every hour, on the hour?
These situations are complicated, and they look different for every family, but here are a few key points to remember.
Keep The Peace Where Possible
If you’re in the middle of a separation or a divorce, your former partner may be the last person you want to see. Yet if they’re also your co-parent, you may need to see them at certain points. Even if your children know about the separation, it may still be difficult for them and the holidays can bring out complicated emotions.
Some blended families are able to come up with unconventional arrangements that have old families and new ones celebrating all together. However, if that is not possible, at least try to keep the peace when children are around, and avoid disparaging their other parent. Not only do children pick up on that tension, but acrimony and hurt feelings can often draw out legal proceedings if one party is determined to make the other suffer.
Think About What Will Work For You
If you are actively going through a separation, not spending every holiday with your children can be a daunting thought. However, the reality of most separation agreements is that children will be back and forth between their two parents through holiday periods, just as they will through much of the year.
Make sure that you express to your family lawyer what traditions are important to you, and which ones you are most determined to keep intact. If your family does not celebrate a holiday that your former partner and their family does celebrate, consider that in what you may be willing to sacrifice for what you would want to fight for. Alternatively, if certain holidays are important to both of you, give thought to how you can divide the time in a way that’s fair.
Remember that when assessing your situation, the Court will always prioritize the best interests of the child above you or your former partner’s own desires. If both parents can offer loving family celebrations, the law may be inclined to divide the time equally. If you and your former partner are interfaith, then it’s likely that you may get your cultural holidays with your child, and your former partner will get theirs.
Leaving The Home
If you are in the middle of a divorce, remember that you and your former partner both have rights to the matrimonial home – which is usually the primary residence that you and your former spouse shared during your marriage. The Court can vary this by making an order of exclusive possession for one party, but if that does not happen then neither of you has the right to force each other out.
If one of you is leaving to celebrate the holidays in another city with family, for example, you will still have the right to return to the home and re-occupy it after. Do not unilaterally decide to change the locks while your partner is away celebrating! If you come home and your former partner does not let you back in, consult a family lawyer immediately to determine your next steps.
Don’t Make It a Competition
If you and your former partner are in a bad place with each other, it can be easy to try and turn the holidays into a competition for your children’s affection. You hear that your ex bought a large tree, so you try and buy an even bigger one. They bought the kids a mountain of toys, so you try to outdo that by doubling them.
Stop. Take a breath. The holidays may be difficult during this time, but throwing money at the children out of spite will not solve any problems and will only deplete your finances. Recognize the emotions that your children are dealing with, and try to help them work through them in the best way that you can – either on your own or with counselling. Money spent on their mental health can be far more impactful than any disposable toys.
Be Kind to Yourself
If you’re trying to navigate a changing family situation, or it’s your first holiday not together, the holidays can be incredibly painful. Family law disputes can be lengthy, and emotionally taxing, so you’re already dealing with complicated emotions in a state of frustration and fatigue.
Remember to be kind to yourself, and to look after yourself where needed. Keep up the activities that support your mental health – exercise, good sleeping habits, and other things that provide you joy. This dispute is hard for everyone, but while you’re busy looking after them, remember that it’s hard for you as well.
Consider starting some new family traditions. Find the things that bring you and your children joy, whether that’s visiting relatives, volunteering for those in need, doing a craft together, or even just an outing at the movies. Notice what they appreciate the most about your time together, and turn that into an annual tradition. Someday it may be a treasured memory in an otherwise dark time.
Remember that we’re here to help. If you need family law advice in the Cambridge, Kitchener, or Waterloo Region, our team is never more than a phone call away. Contact us today to set up a consultation.